god of the chair

I just moved into a new apartment, and my mom was here this weekend helping set everything up. We spent a couple days shopping for new things, and she spent $200 on this chair to go in my office area. I was never crazy about the chair, but thought it would grow on me… But it hasn’t. So now I’m caught in this trap of asking her for the receipt without hurting her feelings.

chair

Which was producing a lots of fear in me, which I had just read about in the course. Specifically Chapter 2, section VI. “Fear and Conflict”.

“Being afraid seems to be involuntary; something beyond your own control. Yet I have said already that only constructive acts should be involuntary.”

I totally look at fear this way. It’s something that bubbles up from the depths, which locks me in its grip and throws me about at will. Something I can try to fight, but it has little effect. But I like this point above. Truly involuntary acts are a mark of the divine. Where what I say and do are largely controlled by the divine working through me. The acts aren’t mine, originating from the ego, they originate from spirit. Since this fear definitely doesn’t originate from the divine, that would mean it’s not involuntary… As much as it seems that way…

“The presence of fear shows that you have raised body thoughts to the level of the mind. This removes them from my control, and makes you feel personally responsible for them.”

The phrase personally responsible really struck me here. It made me really think about how I’m trying to control the situation¬†with the chair. And then it struck me, in the course they are always talking about how God created us in his image, so we create our world in the same way. When we create our world together with the divine everything is groovy. When we separate ourselves and try to create the world on our own, that’s were fear originates. We are trying to be gods of our own little worlds, but without God’s help.

That’s what I was doing with my mom. Trying to be the god of that situation. To control the conversation, to control her response, to control the outcome. It’s like in the very act of trying to control the situation, that’s what removes control. The only way to truly be in control is to be present, to be synced up with the divine. To be creating in lockstep with it.

In this, there is no fear. I’m no longer tied to the outcome. I know if I’m connected with the divine, it will undoubtedly be in the highest good.

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Vulnerability in the eyes of the Divine – thoughts from “A Course in Miracles”

This is from “A Course in Miracles”. Chapter 2, section V. “The function of the miracle worker”.
Paragraph 7 and 8 have some really juicy stuff about feeling vulnerable. About what we try to hide from everyone.

“I said before that the Holy Spirit cannot see error, and is capable only of looking beyond it to the defense of Atonement. There is no doubt that this may cause discomfort, yet the discomfort is not the final outcome of the perception. When the Holy Spirit is permitted to look upon the defilement of the altar, he also looks immediately toward the Atonement… Discomfort is aroused only to bring the need for correction into awareness.”

Atonement here is really just a synonym for healing. So it’s saying that spirit can’t see all these walls you’ve spent so much time building up. It doesn’t exist to it. So when it visits you it immediately cuts through to your core. Which is definitely uncomfortable. That’s not a place that’s touched very often. But it’s ultimately necessary, because this is a very healing process if allowed to continue.

The term “defilement of the altar” really struck me. It does seem like that’s what I’m trying to protect when I think people are looking at me. That part of myself that was once pure, but that I corrupted. Soiled. Did the most vile unspeakable things to, which no one can ever know about. And I’ve constructed oh so elaborate methods to keep this hidden. I’m like 99% sure they will never see the light of day again.

But it seems like that’s the whole point of this Holy Spirit. That’s what it seeks out. It’s its purpose. So I think I had this belief that I needed to be “good” because that’s what would attract divine attention to me. Would lift me up. But what if it’s actually the opposite? That in acknowledging those places in us that are trapped in despair we are raising a flag, saying “Hey divine spirit dudes! Here I am! I’m ready for some lovin’!” And at first the attention we receive here is uncomfortable because it’s digging up all that crap, but the shovel is in the hands of the divine, so if we can trust in that and let go, we will be healed.