The Obligation of Loneliness

The theme of this past weekend was loneliness and isolation. It started off by watching the movie “Lars and the Real Girl” which really touched me. Afterwards, I felt an intense, acute loneliness for the first time in quite a while. Probably since I established a close group of friends through the Traveling Psychic Supper Club. Next was “Only God Forgives” which is an incredibly isolating movie. Then Saturday night I had a huge perspective shift with my closest friend.

It’s like I had separated a large part of myself and invested it in her. A place it didn’t belong. Whenever we fragment ourselves there will undoubtedly be isolation and loneliness. Even if the hands in which it’s resting are incredibly loving. That they were so loving gave me the illusion that I was whole, but that evening I realized I wasn’t. That part of myself became dislodged and exposed the underlying loneliness.

Initially it was very unpleasant, but I think this shift was absolutely necessary. Not only in consolidating my energy in order to obtain wholeness, but also in the ability to continue to grow in that friendship without this clinging energy getting in the way.

Then to cap off the Ryan Gosling theme I watched “Blue Valentine” which is a very sad movie about what else… isolation and loneliness… What a fun filled weekend!

So it appears like the universe was trying to make a point here. It wanted me to really evaluate the depth of my loneliness. It had been quite a while since I had done this, and I have changed SO MUCH recently that there was probably going to be a different understanding now.

So while I was meditating Sunday night I had this belief pop up that goes something like “In order to understand and empathize with those that are isolated and lonely, I have to be isolated and lonely.” Like I need to be able to show them that we’re in the same boat. Sharing the same story. But this is not true. I can be happy and whole and still empathize with those that aren’t. I can feel for more than those who are exactly like me.

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Chapter 6, section 1 “The Message of the Crucifixion”, paragraph 10:

“We are still equal as learners, although we do not need to have equal experiences. By being able to hear the Holy Spirit in others you can learn from their experiences, and gain from them without experiencing them directly yourself. That is because the Holy Spirit is one, and anyone who listens is inevitably lead to demonstrate His way for all.”

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Relating to someone who is suffering at their current level doesn’t help. This doesn’t heal. True healing happens in helping them bridge the gap from their loneliness to their wholeness. To their divine. I will see the divine in you, which gives you the opportunity to see it as well.

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Chapter 3, section 2 “Miracles As True Perception”, paragraph 6
“Truth overcomes all error, and those who live in error and emptiness can never find lasting solace. If you perceive truly you are canceling out misperceptions in yourself and in others simultaneously. Because you see them as they are, you offer them your acceptance of their truth so they can accept it for themselves. This is the healing that the miracle induces.

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It seems like if two people in a relationship (all kinds – not just romantic) are lonely, there is comfort in sharing this loneliness. It’s like “I’m miserable, but at least I have company!” And it can also seem like there is an obligation for each party to remain lonely. That they owe it to the other person to do this. Like if one person became happy, it would be a sign of abandonment. That if they really cared about them they wouldn’t do this.

I asked myself “Is that what’s happening with me?” and got a very interesting response…
Isolation and loneliness have been major themes my entire life. I’ve been unable to establish genuine bonds with others at school, church, sports, social events… And in those rare instances where something was starting to develop, I would somehow distance myself from them or sabotage the relationship.

I think this goes back to childhood. My mother and father had a relatively good relationship, but I think my mother quietly dealt with severe isolation and loneliness. And as a baby, getting approval from your mother is your highest priority. Your life literally depends on it. So if your mother is isolated and lonely, it’s natural that you would mimic her. Establish the same pattern to garner her approval. And then you could never change from this, as this would be an abandonment. A rejection of the person who gave you life.

I think this is one reason why there has been conflict between us as I got older. I wanted to make genuine connections, grow and evolve, be happy, but unconsciously I believed that I had to stay lonely. That she was essentially forcing me to do this. So naturally I resented her for this without really understanding what was happening.

But now I do understand. Now I am in a place where I do have genuine connections. Where I am happy. Where I have people surrounding me who I love. And now I have the opportunity to invite her into this space. To release her from that loneliness.

Ultimately it’s still her decision, and I can’t force her out. But even if she chooses to stay, this no longer affects me. To truly love someone is not to jump in the pit with them, it’s to patiently sit on the outside with an outstretched arm, waiting for them jump up so you can pull them out.

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