Where’s your head at?

I usually spend around 20 hours a day in my apartment. I work from home, and sleep here, so that makes up 17 right there.

I started noticing that it felt like I was drowning in my thoughts. I had these negative loops start, and I would just keep building them, and building them, and building them, because there really wasn’t anything to break me out of that rut. Every once in a while I would peak above the waves and get a breath of fresh air, but then plunge right back beneath the surface.

But then last week I was out of town the whole week on business. I’ve noticed the past couple times I’ve been out of town that all these thoughts immediately dissipate. I get incredibly clearheaded. I can actually breathe freely again. But then when I get back into my apartment, slowly but surely I build them back up and am back to where I was before.

Except this time it was different. When I got back I started noticing these thoughts when they were forming, before they got to the point where I was drowning in them. And it wasn’t the kind of thing where I was trying to force myself not to think these thoughts, I just shined some light on them. I asked myself “Where are these thoughts originating from? What is my motivation right now? My purpose? Does this make me feel good?”.

And just asking those questions naturally brought me out of the loops. I could clearly and effortlessly see how destructive they were. How badly I felt when I was in them.

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Chapter 9, section 7 “The Two Evaluations”, paragraph 6:

“You cannot evaluate an insane belief system from within it. It’s range precludes this. You can only go beyond it, look back from a point where sanity exists and see the contrast. With the grandeur of God in you, you have chosen to be little and to lament your littleness. Within the system that dictated this choice the lament is inevitable. Your littleness is taken for granted there and you do not ask, “who granted it?” The question is meaningless within the ego’s system, because it would open the whole thought system to question..”

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The course is always so timely… this is something I’ve been working on all week, and then I read the above passage this morning and it was just perfect. This is exactly what happened. I would get caught in these patterns and try to figure them out from within them, which would only pull me further beneath the surface. It’s like asking the ego “Hey, what’s going on here? Can you explain this to me”. Of course it’s not going to give you a straight answer, because it was the one who designed the trap. It’s like a prisoner asking a guard “Hey, it’s awful uncomfortable in here, would you mind letting me out?”

But as soon as I got a little distance, I can look back and clearly see how insane it all is. I’ve been home for a week and I’m still totally clearheaded. This is a major accomplishment.

I also love the idea of contrast. I’ve been making a list of the patterns I found myself starting, and what its opposite would be. And then just feeling into which one of these I prefer. Not making a judgement or anything. Just making a choice. Here’s some of the stuff I came up with.

Am I motivated by lack or wholeness?
Am I trying to protect what I have or express who I am?
Am I trying to get things or share things?
Am I desperate or content?
Lonely or secure in the divine?
Fast or slow?
In a panic or calm?
Resentful or grateful?
Doubtful or assured?
Trying to solve a problem which can’t be solved or seeing that there aren’t any problems?
Needing everything to adhere to my plans or releasing it to the divine?

Just establishing this range is so helpful to see how destructive and uncomfortable these patterns are. The more contrast there is, the easier it is to see what truly feeds you. And the easier it is to make a conscious decision.

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