Working out my love muscles

I’ve always had a hard time falling asleep.

For the past few years I’ve gotten in the routine of meditating until I start nodding off then crawling into bed and passing out. This has worked great…. up until a new baby entered into the equation…

Veda is really hit or miss on her sleeping. Some nights it’s great, other nights she’s up all the time.

Because of this I’ve gotten into the mindset of “Ok, Veda is asleep, I need to fall asleep NOW so I can get some sleep before she wakes up”. It stresses me out. And Sunday and Monday I got like 3 hours of sleep each night. Not necessarily because she was up a lot, but because I was lying awake stressing out about what would happen if she DID wake up. Pretty ridiculous…

Last night I was headed down the same path so I got up and started meditating, trying to get into that old routine again. I got like 30 minutes in, started nodding off, got into bed and crossed my fingers…. And I immediately started stressing out and couldn’t sleep….

I lay there for an hour and then got up to try meditating again.

I was super pissed but stuck with it, and this time after 30 minutes something interesting happened. And this is really why I always come back to meditation. For me it’s the quickest way to get to these insights that might have otherwise taken weeks or months to come to.

I had a thought pop in. It’s one of my favorite prayers / mantra’s:

“Help me see this moment in a more loving light”

Hearing this totally snapped me out of the rut I wasn’t even really aware that I was in. There was no compassion, no love in the attitude I had been taking. I saw her sleeplessness and my anxiety about it as a frustration that needed to be eradicated so I could get back to my normal routine. So I could be happy.

Now there was this new found love that started swelling up and overtaking the old negativity. I realized that this situation could instead be perceived as a challenge. Can I bring love and compassion to this difficult experience? It’s like going to the love gym.

Taking this approach lets me work WITH the irritation instead of AGAINST it. Working against it like I had been doing just made it worse. My flow was totally blocked and I was just piling more pressure behind the build up. But now I can instead embrace the negativity and start to transform it into something I can use. Something that makes me feel happy regardless of if she is sleeping, regardless of if I am sleeping.

 

And interestingly enough as soon as I adopted this new attitude I hopped back into bed and went right to sleep.

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