Last night I talked about creating as god, instead of with God, and how this leads to fear and conflict.
This idea came up tonight when reading the course.
Chapter 3, section IV. “Error and the Ego”, paragraph 3:
“This is why you cannot escape from fear until you realize that you did not and could not create yourself.”
I realize that I’m not only trying to create and control situations (like how my mom would react to asking for the receipt to the chair), I’m doing the same to myself. It’s like I’m a sculptor trying to manipulate a ball of clay. I believe I can control what it looks like. I just need to try a bit harder, I just need a little more time, I just need to read the right books, have the right experiences, then I’ll be who I want to be – this perfect sculpture. But as long as I’m creating in a state of separation, without the divine’s help, this isn’t possible.
No amount of effort, no circumstance, no person is going to exalt me to that state where I am 100% sure of who I am. That I am a completed statue. Perfect. Something created from the ego can never reach the level of the divine.
Realizing this removes a huge burden from my shoulders. I don’t have to try to create myself. As long as I’m present, connected with the divine, this whole idea vanishes. It just doesn’t make sense anymore. Instead of exerting all this effort trying to create this sense of who I am, I’m now able to create FROM this space. It’s an outward focus instead of inward. Who I am becomes an experience rather than a definition, a trophy case of my accomplishments.
This is from “A Course in Miracles”. Chapter 2, section V. “The function of the miracle worker”.
Paragraph 7 and 8 have some really juicy stuff about feeling vulnerable. About what we try to hide from everyone.
“I said before that the Holy Spirit cannot see error, and is capable only of looking beyond it to the defense of Atonement. There is no doubt that this may cause discomfort, yet the discomfort is not the final outcome of the perception. When the Holy Spirit is permitted to look upon the defilement of the altar, he also looks immediately toward the Atonement… Discomfort is aroused only to bring the need for correction into awareness.”
Atonement here is really just a synonym for healing. So it’s saying that spirit can’t see all these walls you’ve spent so much time building up. It doesn’t exist to it. So when it visits you it immediately cuts through to your core. Which is definitely uncomfortable. That’s not a place that’s touched very often. But it’s ultimately necessary, because this is a very healing process if allowed to continue.
The term “defilement of the altar” really struck me. It does seem like that’s what I’m trying to protect when I think people are looking at me. That part of myself that was once pure, but that I corrupted. Soiled. Did the most vile unspeakable things to, which no one can ever know about. And I’ve constructed oh so elaborate methods to keep this hidden. I’m like 99% sure they will never see the light of day again.
But it seems like that’s the whole point of this Holy Spirit. That’s what it seeks out. It’s its purpose. So I think I had this belief that I needed to be “good” because that’s what would attract divine attention to me. Would lift me up. But what if it’s actually the opposite? That in acknowledging those places in us that are trapped in despair we are raising a flag, saying “Hey divine spirit dudes! Here I am! I’m ready for some lovin’!” And at first the attention we receive here is uncomfortable because it’s digging up all that crap, but the shovel is in the hands of the divine, so if we can trust in that and let go, we will be healed.