I’m kind of an asshole…

Chapter 5, section 5 “The Ego’s Use of Guilt”, paragraph 2, sentence 3:

“What is truly blessed is incapable of giving rise to guilt, and must give rise to joy. This makes it invulnerable to the ego because its peace is unassailable.”

I really liked the idea of a peace that is unassailable. Wouldn’t that be nice? Not to have to worry about being attacked all the time? I’ve written about this earlier in regards to schizophrenia, where I have this feeling that someone can annihilate me. Attack me at the deepest level.

So this kind of set the stage for the following:

—————————————————————————————————————————-

“If the ego is the symbol of the separation, it is also the symbol of guilt. Guilt is more than merely not of God. It is the symbol of attack on God.”

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Oh man…. I had never looked at it this way before. As an attack. But I think it’s totally appropriate.

In high school I was on the golf team, and there was a ladder system to where every week you would challenge the person above you to work your way up the ladder. One week during a challenge I was in charge of the scorecard, and towards the end of the round I erased one of my earlier scores and dropped it down by a stroke. The dude caught me and called me out, but I ended up winning anyway so it kind of got dropped.

But this is something that has left a deep wound in me. Whenever my thoughts drift to golf, they undoubtedly hit on this incident and I ruthlessly tear myself up for it.┬áI’m trying to separate myself from that action. That I am not that person. I am something better apart from them. That I will punish myself harsher than anyone else ever would, so that I might be acceptable in their eyes. It’s like “You don’t have to punish me! I’ve already taken care of that 100 times over! You can approve of me now, right?…… Right?”

This all set the stage for the following, which really hit me:

—————————————————————————————————————————-

“The guiltless mind cannot suffer. Being sane, the mind heals the body because it has been healed. The sane mind cannot conceive of illness because it cannot conceive of attacking anyone or anything.”

—————————————————————————————————————————-

So……. this is huge for me. I’ve been dealing with chronic pain for 5 years now. Every day. It’s totally changed my life. In many ways for the good, but I’m so fucking tired of it. I feel I’ve learned the lessons and am ready to move on. To not have to constantly deal with this.

And in reading these passages, I realize that I have had a very victim mentality with this. It’s like I was at the whim of my body. Unable to control this pain. It was doing it to me. Poor me, right? BUT… I think what was actually happening here is I’m attacking myself. And wow, that is not fun to think about. To go from being this innocent victim worthy of sympathy, to being the kind of person who is so viciously attacking himself that it manifests physically and persists for 5 years…. That’s quite a shift. But I think it’s the absolute truth. It’s like I force myself down into this little ball, and whenever I reached out trying to express myself, I would ruthlessly attack myself until I shrunk back and hid again.

While getting a massage a few months ago I had this image of my inner child trapped in my right forearm (which is the main source of my chronic pain). He had built himself a fort out of Legos and completely walled himself off inside it. He wanted nothing to do with me because all I ever did was attack him. This little innocent kid, and I would just ruthlessly assault him. Now that I think about it it’s like “Well no shit, of course all this is going to lead to illness, emotionally, mentally, physically…” But my ego likes to cleverly disguise this so it can be the “good guy” somehow.

So that’s pretty fucking depressing right? Admitting that I’ve been enthusiastically beating up a little kid all these years? But what often happens with the course, is that it shows you both how twisted you can be and then the moment after it liberates you from it. So right after I had all those dark thoughts I realized “Well… what am I really attacking here?” And the answer is nothing. I’m wrapped up in this ego illusion, and whenever that is the case nothing I do is real. So I’ve been attacking myself for years, but there’s nothing to really atone for. I can drop it in an instant because none of it was real. The ego doesn’t like that because it wants to perpetuate the cycle because it feeds on it, but I think it’s entirely possible to see this for what it is and let it all go.

And I feel much more in charge when I realize that my illness is a result of my own doings. It means I have the power to release it. I’m not a victim here.

I’m seeing a pattern that goes something like this.

Step 1: Admit I’m an asshole who does some pretty twisted stuff.

Step 2: See that I’m not really an asshole, that I’m really free and have done no wrong.

I think a lot of people would rather skip step 1 and just emerge in this space of being innocent and holy, but I don’t think this really works. Or at least it doesn’t for me…

A Course in Miracles, Schizophrenia, and Einstein

Schizophrenia has been a deep interest of mine for quite some time. Reading “The Divided Self” by R.D. Laing was a hugely transformative experience. It explained so much of my structure, of my struggles with extreme vulnerability, of feeling like I didn’t really exist.

Tonight while reading the course I came across the following: chapter 4, section 3 “Love without Conflict”, paragraph 9, sentence 2:
“God has given you everything. This one fact means the ego does not exist, and this makes it profoundly afraid.”

“The ego does not exist” was like a lightning bolt going off inside me. It was the link between all of this knowledge I have on schizophrenia, and what I’m learning through the course. It spun everything into a new light.

One fear that has constantly plagued me throughout my life is that others have the power to completely annihilate me. To cease my existence. To shatter all that I am with one look. This is an incredibly vulnerable position that leads me to retreating from the outer world.

This is a very schizoid structure, and one that I now see is very close to the truth. Feeling like I don’t exist, like others have the power to destroy me, is actually true in regards to the ego.

It’s perceiving the truth but still being trapped in that illusion. I think most “normal” people don’t have as intimate an understanding of the truth. They have more fully convinced themselves that this illusion is real. They might have some doubts, but they aren’t as fundamental. A schizophrenic is aware of the illusionary nature of our world at its very foundation. They KNOW that it isn’t real, and regardless of how hard they try, they can’t suppress this fact. Can’t resolve this split.

So in many ways it seems like they are on the precipice of fully awakening. They are aware of the truth, but can’t quite let go of illusion. They fear their annihilation, their death, and this is accurate. For the ego does die when the truth is fully embraced.

Chapter 4, section 2 “The Ego and False Autonomy”, Paragraph 10, Sentence 3:
“The ego cannot survive without judgment, and is laid aside accordingly.”

So it’s like they understand 99% of the puzzle, and are one small step away from liberation. But the problem is that the world tells them that what they are correctly perceiving as illusion is the truth. That they are wrong. That they ARE really their ego. Everything is reaching out from this illusion and pulling them towards it, and they are all very convincing… and have deeply embedded hooks… and pills… and authority… and numbers… and “facts” on their side…

It seems like if the schizophrenic is left to their own devices, this process will naturally resolve itself because the pull towards truth is stronger than illusion. But the system is set up to pull in the opposite direction, so delays this healing process.

Which is where the miracle can come in. Divine intervention. Because once that schizoid individual tastes the divine, I think there is a recognition there. A truth that they have always been aware of, but have finally tasted. Something that helps release the illusion, and quicken the pace towards truth. I had an experience like this at 20, and it very much had this effect. I was rocketed towards truth, and the pull toward illusion lost a lot of its vehemence.

———————————————————————-

I’m friends with a lot of psychics (check out travelingpsychicsupperclub.com), and we often talk of receiving information. I’ve always felt somewhat inadequate in this regard because this doesn’t often happen for me.

I’m in the process of reading Einstein’s biography, and earlier tonight I really resonated with the following “Einstein would develop a lifelong devotion to field theories as a way to describe nature. Field theories use mathematical quantities to describe how the conditions at any point in space will affect matter or another field.” p.13.

I realized after connecting my knowledge on schizophrenia with my knowledge of the course that this is my gift. Understanding complex systems, then linking them all together to form a unified understanding. It’s like Einstein’s drive to find his theory of everything. He wanted something that would connect all of these systems he understood. I think in this we share the same goal. I’ve always had this drive in me, and never quite understood it until now. I’m just trying to fit all these pieces together.

All uncertainty comes from the belief that you are under the coercion of judgment.

Chapter 3, section VI. “Judgment and the Authority Problem” paragraph 3, sentence 4:
“All uncertainty comes from the belief that you are under the coercion of judgment.”

In the last couple posts I’ve been talking about how we perceive ourselves as gods, able to create our realities even when disconnected from the divine.

Yet we also fear judgement.

This creates a problem for the logic center of my mind. Both X and Y can’t be true. If I was able to create my reality as I see fit, I wouldn’t also fear judgment. So since I fear judgment, that means that I can’t actually create my reality. So if I assume that I can’t create reality, does that mean the fear of judgment also goes away?

When I ask myself this it totally does.┬áReality can only be accessed when connected with the divine. When this connection is established, the truth is known. It is certain. The illusion of someone else’s judgment doesn’t matter.