Working out my love muscles

I’ve always had a hard time falling asleep.

For the past few years I’ve gotten in the routine of meditating until I start nodding off then crawling into bed and passing out. This has worked great…. up until a new baby entered into the equation…

Veda is really hit or miss on her sleeping. Some nights it’s great, other nights she’s up all the time.

Because of this I’ve gotten into the mindset of “Ok, Veda is asleep, I need to fall asleep NOW so I can get some sleep before she wakes up”. It stresses me out. And Sunday and Monday I got like 3 hours of sleep each night. Not necessarily because she was up a lot, but because I was lying awake stressing out about what would happen if she DID wake up. Pretty ridiculous…

Last night I was headed down the same path so I got up and started meditating, trying to get into that old routine again. I got like 30 minutes in, started nodding off, got into bed and crossed my fingers…. And I immediately started stressing out and couldn’t sleep….

I lay there for an hour and then got up to try meditating again.

I was super pissed but stuck with it, and this time after 30 minutes something interesting happened. And this is really why I always come back to meditation. For me it’s the quickest way to get to these insights that might have otherwise taken weeks or months to come to.

I had a thought pop in. It’s one of my favorite prayers / mantra’s:

“Help me see this moment in a more loving light”

Hearing this totally snapped me out of the rut I wasn’t even really aware that I was in. There was no compassion, no love in the attitude I had been taking. I saw her sleeplessness and my anxiety about it as a frustration that needed to be eradicated so I could get back to my normal routine. So I could be happy.

Now there was this new found love that started swelling up and overtaking the old negativity. I realized that this situation could instead be perceived as a challenge. Can I bring love and compassion to this difficult experience? It’s like going to the love gym.

Taking this approach lets me work WITH the irritation instead of AGAINST it. Working against it like I had been doing just made it worse. My flow was totally blocked and I was just piling more pressure behind the build up. But now I can instead embrace the negativity and start to transform it into something I can use. Something that makes me feel happy regardless of if she is sleeping, regardless of if I am sleeping.

 

And interestingly enough as soon as I adopted this new attitude I hopped back into bed and went right to sleep.

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Life is pain?

If life is pain, then it seems the purpose of life is to be ok with this. To accept it and embrace it. For it seems like you can only be happy to the extent that you do this.

If I’m in pain and I’m trying to run away from it, to solve it, whenever I do enter a state of happiness I cling to it, so even that is tainted with anxiety. Worry. Fear.

So you’re never able to truly be happy.

BUT! If you are in pain and you say, ok, I’m in pain, let me feel this. Let me live in this. It’s actually ok. There’s nothing to fix here. It’s perfectly ok. There is an ebb and flow to nature and right now there is pain but it won’t always be here.

As soon as you’re ok with pain, that means you can also be ok with pleasure. The next time you’re happy you can fully embrace it because you won’t be clinging to it. I’m happy now, great! I’ll ride with this as long as it’s here and then when it passes, I’ll go on to the next thing.

So it seems like the purpose of life is to embrace what your current experience is.

If you think it’s your job, you will always be working. 7:00 on a Friday night and you’ll be stressing about everything you need to do. If it’s to give to the poor, same story, you’ll never be able to relax because that is selfish. But if you’re like, when I’m working the purpose of my life is to work, when I’m with my family it’s to be 100% with my family, when I’m eating it’s to be present with my food and that experience. When I’m in pain, my back hurts and I’m angry at the work, IT’S TO BE 100% WITH THAT EXPERIENCE. Every moment becomes the purpose of life, not some grand ideal. Not a static state or only one experience. It becomes everything… Including pain but not limited to it…

I think we all try to avoid this. We find our causes, our grand ideals. Maybe it’s a connection with God. Maybe it’s the relationship you have with your spouse. Maybe it’s the relationship you have with your kids. There is no escaping the pain. You can be very very clever and think you’re beyond it, that you have a special bond with whatever that protects you. You are 100% in love with that experience and pain can never touch you! But if you get very still and really look within you’ll probably find yourself running from it.

I think I’ve finally figured out how to stop running…

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Thought Personification

In my last post I wrote about an experience I had separating from my thoughts which allowed me to personify them. I thought distancing myself from my thoughts was going to be something I’d be able to do consistently, but in a days since that happened I’ve discovered that this is very hard to do. Like I try to imagine my thoughts outside my head, but it doesn’t really work. It’s not near as effective as what happened spontaneously during that meditation.

BUT! Something else from that post really has worked. The idea of personifying my thoughts. I thought the way this is going to work was first distancing my thoughts, then I’d be able to personify them. But actually I see the reverse happening. I first have to turn my thoughts into a person, then I’m able to work with them.

So I start by asking myself, what do my thoughts look like? Are they a jumbled up mess? A tornado? A rubber band ball? This allows me to disconnect from them a little bit and start looking at them objectively. Then I start asking:

If my thoughts were a person what would they look like?
How old are they?
What kind of emotional state are they in?

I’ve been doing this a ton the past few days and I started noticing a few patterns. This person is usually pretty young. Either a child or a teenager. And they are very pissed off and demanding, but right underneath this is fear.

Yesterday I sent an e-mail to a friend in the morning, and the rest of the day I was plagued with worry over what I had said. LITERALLY ALL FUCKING DAY LONG it was eating away at me. Over and over and over. Absolutely miserable. But then at night something clicked. I was able to see the person behind this worry. How terrified they were. How all this worry was just a way for them to try to be in control of something that is uncontrollable… which understandably leads to that feeling of panic.

And I’ve seen this pattern in the past, but being able to see it as something outside myself makes a hugeeee difference. Because it’s so much easier to extend love and compassion to this image. It’s no longer personal. I’m able to step out of that story and view it from above. With an understanding and a sense of grace that is hard to muster when you’re in the thick of it. When you ARE it.

Letting Go Of The Need To Balance

I’ve learned to carefully time my visits back home. I come in on a Friday and leave first thing Sunday morning. While I’m home there’s this angst that slowly builds, and if I can make it out in a day and a half I can avoid drowning in it.

And I’ve never been able to put my finger on exactly why I start feeling like this. My family isn’t terrible or anything. I don’t get in arguments with anyone. They’re actually very supportive of this weird spirituality stuff I’m into.

But this time was a little different because of Christmas. Christmas day I spent a ton of time around family, and when that angsty feeling was starting to bubble over I couldn’t just take off, so I went for a long walk instead. It was a beautiful night, and as is usually the case with these things, something clicked into place while I was out.

 

The way my parents behave has always frustrated me. I see little things about how they treat each other, how they treat themselves, how they treat others and it really eats away at me. I realized that the issue here is not so much that they have “problems”, it’s that as an empath I’m trying to fix them. I’m trying to balance the energy so that everyone can reach a neutral place. Be in sync with each other.

I’ve been reading a lot about this recently. I first got introduced to it through “Dancers Between Realms” which is an excellent book all about empaths.

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Thus the parent/child relationship becomes one of push–pull, attraction and repulsion. In addition, the empath child is pulled to resolve and heal mother, father, sister, brother and all the family dynamics. The impossibility of this is not recognized by the child and they feel guilt, because they recognize a capacity to balance things and have not yet learned the limits of this capacity. Understanding that such patterns can exists is one step toward allowing yourself to acknowledge the deep impetus to bring balance and healing, and learn to separate your true self from this responsive child-self. -p.110

This is exactly what was happening. I was trying to balance everyone, but didn’t realize that this wasn’t possible. That it’s not my responsibility to do this. That I don’t have to shoulder this burden.

And oh my God, WHAT A RELIEF!!! I was instantly transformed after letting go of this. All that angst instantly melted away and I was lighthearted again.

And I also noticed something else that was totally unexpected… The way I was approaching my parents was the exact same way I was approaching myself. Always feeling like I needed to fix something. I couldn’t just relax and let myself be. And when I let go of trying to fix my parents, I also let go of trying to fix myself. And as I did this I realized that I have miniature versions of my parents living inside of me. This is what Matt Kahn talks about, that as an empath you try to heal others by taking on their patterns. You duplicate how they are, heal yourself, and think this will heal them. And naturally you get pretty frustrated when this doesn’t actually happen, which is why I was getting so angsty around them.

 

A few minutes later I realized that letting go of this need to fix everything provided the space to embody my true self. That constantly churning away on these patterns takes up all my energy, and that when it drops away something beautiful and authentic takes its place.

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To give you an idea of what this looks like, here’s the piece of paper I took with me on that walk. It’s like I’m a detective sniffing out a trail. I get a revelation and write it down, walk for a couple minutes, getting another revelation, walk a couple minutes… and so on…walk note

I don’t care what your thoughts are, what do they look like?

I think we spend an over abundance of time concerning ourselves with our thoughts. We’re told how powerful they are, and how they manifest what we see, so we better control them, right? We don’t want any negative thoughts coming in. Only positive stuff!!!

But it seems like the only thing controlling your thoughts does is drive you a little crazy. And actually, I think it can be much more serious than that. We’ve all seen people that are imprisoned by their thoughts. How compulsive and ridgid they are. I think this can lead to serious autoimmune diseases. And also to things like hoarding and OCD.

I was watching pawn stars the other day and saw someone trying to sell them an iron lung. I knew of iron lungs, but had never seen one. It made me think about how awful an existence that must have been. I spent like an hour planning out how I would have killed myself if I was trapped in one. It’s hard to imagine a more horrendous experience.

iron lung

But it occurred to me that this is exactly what most of us do to ourselves. We use our thoughts to build up an iron lung that we keep ourselves trapped in. To protect ourselves from the world. To not let people really see us. Touch us. Hear us. We just barely let ourselves breathe, which is actually true.

And this is so ingrained that we don’t even realize we’re doing it. We don’t realize there’s another option.

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I think there are two keys to unlocking us from this prison.

1. It’s necessary to separate your self from your thoughts. You are perfectly capable of functioning without them. Think of professional athletes, racecar drivers. They aren’t thinking and yet they do incredible things.

2. We’ve been trained to verbalize everything. Like when we are reading we sound out each word in our heads. This isn’t necessary. You can just scan over the words and your brain registers it just the same. Verbalizing your experience grinds everything to a halt. What we are can be so much more nimble and responsive than this. Instead try looking at things energetically. Instead of a thought just being a word you hear in your head, what does it feel like? What does it look like? Where does that energy sit in your body?

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After I got some distance from my thoughts and started paying more attention to their energetic structure, I first noticed that most of the time it felt like I was trapped inside a prison. Like I couldn’t breathe. Like I had a straitjacket on. But in seeing this I could gradually shift their structure to where my thoughts were more of a cloud. Something that I could choose to ignore and push aside. They became much less important. Much less appealing. I’d much rather sit in my body without them. This is actually enjoyable. I have room to breathe. To let things flow in and out. I can see things clearly. It’s peaceful.

I can still pull down that bubble and engage my thoughts when I need to do something analytical, but most of the time they aren’t necessary. I can just let them do their thing out there in the cloud, I don’t really need to pay attention to it.

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If you’re trapped in an iron lung, thinking positive thoughts is going to be an uphill battle. You might get a couple here or there, but you’re trapped in a fucking prison. Think about that for a second. How incredibly difficult it would be to be happy in a situation like that. You’d have to be some sort of zen master. I’d fucking lose it if I couldn’t move my body more than a couple inches.

But what if instead you’re lying in a field somewhere feeling the breeze blow through your hair, soaking in the sun. You’re going to be pretty happy without exerting a lot of effort. You can just get out of your way and let everything be.

So if you find yourself trapped in a prison, don’t try to think happy thoughts… GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

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You aren’t your thoughts (human mind vs God mind)

I just finished reading an incredible book that scientifically analyzes what it means to be sensitive (open to experiences like clairvoyance, intuition, empathy).

The HISS of the ASP

In it he makes a point about how we read. We’ve been trained to say each word to ourselves in our heads. This is a very slow process and is actually not necessary. You can scan through a page just looking at the words without having an internal monologue, and you still understand perfectly well what it is you just read. What we’ve been trained to do is like handcuffing ourselves. We have a ferrari gassed up and ready to go, but insist on pushing it by hand.

I was coming home from a movie tonight and I was getting into this interesting space where everything was very still. It’s like I wasn’t moving and the road was coming towards and through me. It was very peaceful. Then I saw my thoughts kick in as I was changing lanes and I realized…. “why am I thinking now? I don’t need these thoughts. I’m perfectly capable of doing this without them.” We think we need our thoughts to help us navigate through life. It’s like the thoughts are controlling us and guiding us. We ARE our thoughts.

But in actuality we are perfectly capable of functioning without them. And actually, we thrive when our actions aren’t an extension of our thoughts. This is our natural state of being. Think about a race car driver, or a professional athlete. Do you think a receiver is thinking when they are going up to catch a pass?

The same principle applies for mundane life. I don’t need to think about driving. I don’t need to think about how to do yoga. About how to cook dinner.

Our thoughts are there, but it’s not directly related to the moment. It has its own rhyme and reason, and we don’t need to enslave ourselves to them. We can use them as tools when they are appropriate, and then disengage from them when they are no longer needed.

But like most things, this probably goes back to control. We want to keep everything small, moving slowly, exactly as it should be. The only way to do this is living through your thoughts. Relinquishing them is relinquishing control. There is a very different kind of control that emerges if you do this though. A universal one supported by the divine. But it can be a bit unnerving while you’re transitioning between the two…

Terminator

Something big shifted for me last night, and it’s always interesting to me to look back and see the mini shifts that have led up to this large one.

1. My friend Deborah helped me set up my home garden a couple weekends ago. This was the first time I had really gotten my hands dirty like this in a couple years. Which seems totally crazy to me, because it’s something I really enjoy. But living in an apartment, it can be difficult to find situations to really get back into the earth.

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I think what this signified to me was the willingness and enthusiasm in getting dirty. Everything doesn’t have to be nice and neat all the time. Self-contained in its nice little box, organized, put away. This is not how nature works.

2. I listened to an amazing TED talk about stress. The idea is that stress is only harmful to you if you believe it’s harmful. If you don’t believe this, stress can actually be immensely beneficial. It’s your body’s way of revving itself up to take on a challenge. You can use this alert energy to move forward into whatever situation you find yourself in.

How to Make Stress Your Friend

So it’s this idea that everything that’s happening within us is actually okay. It can all be used to benefit us. I very much put things into “good” and “bad” buckets, and if I deemed something as not serving me my only response was to try to get rid of it. Now I can take a step back and see the larger picture, and how these uncomfortable feelings can actually serve me.

3. I had an amazing day where I saw my value in a huge variety of situations. It started off seeing my value as a friend, then as a business partner, then on a radio show, then as a counselor, and finally as an energy healer. Each situation was totally perfect and by the end of the day I felt so complete. Self-assured. The feeling I had was like being made out of bronze. Negativity had no way of latching onto me. There weren’t any soft pockets of self-doubt that allowed it entrance. There was no sense of lack.

The image of being bronze encapsulated that, but it wasn’t totally right because it seemed too static. But it was close…

So those are some of the experiences that helped set the stage for what happened last night.

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I was meditating before bed like I always do, and I entered this weird mental state. Almost like I was sinking down into my subconscious. My thoughts were kind of drifting around thinking things that make no logical sense. In usual waking consciousness my thoughts are very orderly. But here, it’s almost like they were in a pre-conscious state so it was much rawer, primal.

And this is where I noticed something interesting happen. I could see how I like to keep things very structured in my mind. Organized. Everything has its place, and I like to keep them separate from each other. This keeps things clean and I believe this helps me think clearly.

But this structure started to collapse a little bit. The boundaries between my different thought systems started to break down and overlap. At first I had these old habits come in trying to keep everything in place, but then I was like “Why am I doing this? What’s it going to hurt if these boundaries come down?”. So I continued to observe this happening, watching everything merge together, and it’s like I was pouring all of these separate parts of myself into a big bowl and mixing it all up. There was some fear here that this was me going crazy. How would I think clearly if everything was mixed up like this? How would I access things quickly in this big mess? It’s like I thought this was going to make me stupid.

But then as it continued I realized something amazing was happening. These tools that I had kept separate meant that they were in a largely static state. They were very powerful when I first started using them, but as I continued to grow and evolve they would loose their effectiveness. So I was always on a hunt for new tools to replace them. But with everything mixed together, all of these separate tools were coming together to create something much more powerful than any tool could be by itself. They could all borrow from each other. So in a trying situation I wouldn’t reach in for a specific tool, I would let this pool form into the perfect tool for that situation. It’s a total flip. instead of trying to make a dynamic world fit a static tool, I now had a dynamic tool that could perfectly interface with any situation. It’s not about finding the right tool, it’s about creating it.

The image I got was of the metal Terminator who could change himself into any form. It wasn’t like the old Terminator who had to use static tools (guns), the newer one could create whatever tool needed. He was completely dynamic.

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It’s so cool to me to see how the past few weeks have led up to this.

It’s a breaking down of the static, rigid structure.

It’s seeing that every experience, every emotion can enrich this pool of potential. I don’t have to evaluate something on its potential as an isolated entity. Everything I experience adds value when it can interact with everything else. So that fear, anxiety, worry…. I no longer have to push it away. I can pull it in and use it to feed that pool, I can use it to enrich who I am.

And finally it’s that image of being bronzed. Except it’s not static. It’s constantly shifting, evolving, forming itself to be whatever is needed in the current moment. Especially if that’s a lethal killing machine… I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty 😉